Innocence Lost

   I'm scared. Not of man, or of heights, or of being physically hurt. I'm not even afraid of dying. No, what I'm scared of is the future. Specifically, how ill prepared we seem to be for it. If children are indeed our future, we're doing a piss poor job of shaping them. A young boy, Jamey Rodemeyer, 14, hanged himself in September. Just a few days into his freshman year, he apparently felt he couldn't take the bullying he endured in the hallways of Williamsville North High School in greater Buffalo, NY. His tormenting wasn't only confined to face to face interaction. Jamey also had to cope with the relatively new phenom of cyber bullying.

“JAMEY IS STUPID, GAY, FAT AND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!” one teen posted.

“I wouldn’t care if you died,” still another wrote. “No one would.”

   Amazingly, it all continued even after he was driven to suicide. As Jamey’s sister, Alyssa, told CNN’s Anderson Cooper, she went to a dance to escape the hurt. To not “be in pain for just these two hours.”  But from her account of things, there were some kids at the dance that chanted that they were glad her brother is dead. Why were they bullying him? Well their problem with Jamey was that he was bisexual and most of his friends were girls. Apparently that was enough to push him to the edge, and then push him some more until he fell off the edge. Small mindedness (dunno of that's even a word) and bigotry are learned behaviors. These are the lessons we are passing on to our kids, intentionally or not. Our children need to better than us. The negative attitudes must die in order for society to thrive. Attitudes gets better with each generation, we become more tolerant and more open minded. But then stories like Jamey's, and other youths like Cynteria Phillips, and Leiby Kletzky, are quickly washed away from the nations conscious. These are the stories we can't look directly at. Those that make the world seem a sharp and narrow place, difficult to navigate and impossible to avoid. It's precisely those reasons though, that we must confront these issues head on. In order to preserve our future, we must fix our present.

   There was no reason these things had to happen. No logic behind it. But we cry and look at ourselves, and our families, and we pray. Or we don't think or talk about it at all. Or maybe we hope that talking profusely about how terrible it is will keep the evil away. It's the tragic events that terrify us most in real life, because unlike tragedies, you can never see them coming. Some people aren't plagued by this uncertainty. For some, it's because they are just better people with larger hearts who have room for both tragedy and the tragic alike. Others just haven't asked the questions. And some are just lying.

  

Kids...

   Children are assholes. Now, let's get something straight first. I don't mean ALL children. As always, there are exceptions. Some kids are funny, some kids are cute and some kids succeed at just being kids and not annoying little douches. However most of the kids I encounter are little jerks. And from what I've seen they either a) don't know or b) dont care. Being rude to their parents, stealing shit, turning into a little banshee because they can't have pokemon cards (still happens), it's tough to watch. It's a truth that a lot of parents can't accept. I see it everyday. They push other kids, spit on people, scream and just generally behave like assholes. And the look on the faces of their parents are priceless. They stand around with a pained smile, wordlessly apologizing to anyone in the vicinity of their little demon spawn. They seem to be resigned to the fact that yes, this is my fault, and I'm sorry. It's up to you, dear parent, to combat that assholeness that your kid seems intent on making the rest of us suffer through.

     What's even funnier are the parents that carry on as if they're oblivious to the destruction that their kid has wrought. "What? Mikey set your cat on fire? No sir, you must be mistaken. My little angel would never do something like that." Those are the parents that I worry about. Those are the parents that brush off everything their kid does as kids being kids. While it's true that kids will be kids, and participate in all kinds of general fuckery, there's a difference between normal kid things, and being a neighborhood terrorist. Kids need boundaries. Half the fun of being a kid was testing those boundaries to see how much you could get away with. Without rules and limitations in the home, kids will be ill prepared to handle the rules of a functional society. Its not the responsibility of teachers and daycare providers to instill discipline into your kids. It's up to you, the parent. I'm sure the majority of you will have pretty awesome kids, but they will be incredibly outnumbered by little shitheads with equally stupid parents. And who's to say one of my kids doesn't turn out to be a dick and raise their kids like dicks (it'll probably be the kid I taunt most for losing at anything). One things for damn sure though; I'm not going to stand idly by and watch it happen.
    Our mom would tell me she'd slap the black off me if I ever acted like "one of those jackass little kids". Though I doubted she could actually slap me hard enough to change my skin tone, I wasn't willing to find out. I said all that to say this...discipline your kids. You don't have to "hit em in the throat or the stomach" , but do something to show them that they need to follow rules. If all else fails, I could send my mom around your house for you. After all, I'm still curious to see if she can actually slap the black off somebody.

Divided We Fall

“Don't be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn't do what you do, or think as you think, or as fast. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today.”- Malcolm X

   For those of you that know me personally, you should know how passionate I am about equality. I'm not only talking about my people here; I'm referring to ALL people. All races, creeds, and ethnic groups.  I take that shit seriously, if for no other reason than we all deserve an equal opportunity to be the best we can possibly be. I'm a firm believer that each person has the ability to change their current situation, if given a chance. I believe that when you take desire, combined with talent and a strong work ethic, you will find success. Of course minorities haven't always been given a level playing field in this country, Blacks in particular. That's a fact, and can't be logically disputed. With that being said, however, the time to stop blaming others for what goes on in our communities has long since passed, if indeed there was ever a time for it in the first place. It should be crystal clear by now that, the majority of the things that are negatively affecting our community, are self inflicted. As a Black man, I'm tired of hearing other Black men put each other down. Where's the sense in that? If I'm doing good, and you're not, what sense does it make for me to disparage you, when I could be trying to help you to do better? For me to join in the sea of negativity does us no good as a people. It only serves as confirmation to others that we have no unity. For my sisters, same goes for you. Don't put each other down. You're better than that. Self worth can't be found in the brand of purse you wear or in the style of shoes on your feet. That brother or sister you're talking about may be going through something. Maybe they need some guidance. Maybe they need someone to talk to. My point being, if you're not going to help in a productive way, don't help in trying to tear them down. There's enough people already doing that already. Obviously, you can't help everyone, but as a people, we have to do better. We can be better. Change starts with us.  

Is This Love?

   We crave love. We seek it out. We thirst for it. We write poems to express it. We write songs to sing it's praises. We watch movies about it,  and see ourselves in the characters. We profess it to one another other, while at the same time, hoping it's reciprocated. But if we seemingly go to the ends of the earth for what we call love, why do we run from it once we have it? Why don't we cherish it? Hold it? Mold it? Nurture it and grow with it? I think we don't treat love like we should because as much as we don't like to admit it, we don't fully understand it. Its a word that's bandied about without abandon, but what is it, really? You feel that burst of adrenaline and stomach flutters when you touch their hand or just glance at them from across the room, and think, "holy shit, if this isn't love, nothing is". That feeling is as addictive as any drug, and once we experience it for the first time, we start to crave it, or worse, think that a relationship is dead without it. The problem is that a lot of the fluttery feeling you get is a physical reaction to anxiety and the physical reaction goes away as you adjust. So the longer you're in the relationship, the more comfortable you become around that person, and that rush disappears. And if you're anything like me at all, you'll mistake that for "falling out of love." The difference between that rush and actual love is the difference between seeing a picture of an adorable puppy and actually owning a dog. Yes, part of the experience is its adorable brown eyes and soft fur, but it's also about you carrying its poop around in a little plastic bag. The point is that love is the whole package. It's not a single emotion that can be identified and distinctively felt, like anger or happiness. It's a series of connections that exists above and beyond day to day emotion or circumstance. 

   To have someone place their heart in your hands, and trust you not to break it, is a tremendous undertaking, and one that I haven't always fulfilled. It's romantic to look in someones eyes, and tell them you love them. It's better still to be able to look in their eyes and see that they love you too. It's a responsibility that many of us are afraid to admit that we aren't prepared to handle. For as long as music and movies have been in existence, they've floated the notion that you get "one true love" or one "soul mate". The problem is, that idea is complete and utter bullshit. You realize it's bullshit about the sixth or seventh time in your life that you feel this emotion. Unfortunately, the only way to truly learn this is to experience it for yourself, to feel it come and go and come again. The joy, and the pain, and the expectations, and the disappointment that we experience in dealing with matters of the heart ultimately prepare us for how to deal with love, and all it encompasses. The key, like most things in life, lays in gaining some understanding.

5 Little Pieces: Black Men

"Black men are an endangered species." No doubt, you've heard or read that phrase before. Let me tell you right off, I hate that fuckin phrase. It makes us sound like savages. Like animals. It's a stereotype that just won't die. It's up to us, black men, to kill it. Unfortunately, killing an idea is impossible, so we have to do the next best thing, and that's to change it. Change the perception of us. Change it by: 

1. Knowing what a Man is...

 “The difference between men and boys are the lessons they learn.” Look at the men in your life. Your barber. Your pastor. Your uncles. Brother. Father. Your friends. What makes them men? Not males, but men. I'm willing to bet that with every guy you consider to be a man, you respect them. Respect is what makes a man, respect for oneself, your family, and women. I understand that we live in modern times, with modern women, and that not every woman is a good woman, but the point still stands. 

2. Being a gentleman. 

I believe the word "gentleman" has gotten a bum rap in today's society. It's gone from a dignified status, to something seen as "soft". A gentleman carries himself the right way. A gentleman can keep his cool in hot-tempered situations, understands humility and never boasts, and shows his respect by not being the one to badmouth or undermine others. Try putting those characteristics to work, and see if things don't improve on some level for you. 

3. Don't treat women as objects 

Look, I like a nice ass just as much as the next guy, but to try and bed every woman you meet is asinine, and impossible. With the rate of STD's in the black community, and HIV running rampant, it's imperative that we exercise some self control. We also have to stop selling these women dreams just to sleep with them, because believe it or not, on some level they believe us. They want you to be that great guy you portray yourself as, and when it turns out you were full of shit, it just reinforces the idea that we ain't shit. Yeah, she gave it up to you, but she gave it up thinking you were someone you weren't. And one more thing; just because she slept with you doesn't make her any less of a woman, so don't treat her that way. Respect for ladies should not just stop at your mother and sisters, but treating them all with the respect and dignity they deserve. 

4. Leave the street shit in the street.

 We're all grown here, so imma give it to you raw. No real woman wants to be seen with a guy that has his ass hanging out of his pants. You gotta know when to grow up. I don't wanna hear about you're from the hood and that's how it goes in the hood. Fuck the dumb shit, I'm from hood too, and it's still stupid. Learn how to tie a tie. Have some button down shirts in your wardrobe. Some slacks. A couple pair of leather dress shoes. A blazer. I'm not saying throw your baggy tees and jeans in the trash. I'm saying don't limit yourself to just that. Expand a little bit. And the slang? Know when it is and isn't appropriate. Just that simple. Nobody likes to be judged, but trust me, we're all being judged, all the time, so act accordingly. * 

5. Handle your responsibilities.

A man faces his problems and deals with issues straightforward, that's why it is referred to as “to man up.” No one is perfect, and I can admit where I have stumbled and in some cases fallen. But as long as you continue to move forward, that's what in the end really makes you a man. If you're one of the ones that has a job, be the best you can be at it. Go to work everyday. Kill that perception of "the lazy black man". You have a responsibility to those that came before you to not make things worse than they left it, and to those that are coming up after you, to make things better for them. A big burden to carry, no doubt. But as man, a Black man, big burdens are nothing new. If you have children, be a dad. If you're not in the same household with them, then the onus is on you to be there for that child. The kid didn't choose that path, the parents did. So you, as a man, have to step up and be a father. Doctor visits. School Meetings. Zoo trips, playing at the park, homework, discipline, the whole 9. If you're not doing it, you can't get mad when someone else starts doing it. And get something to leave your kids. Real estate, investments, money, just have something to leave your family when you go. Start a legacy. Show your sons what it is to be a man. Show your daughter what a man looks like, so when the time comes, she knows what to look for.

*seriously though, pull up your damn pants. 

5 Little Pieces: Black Women

I'm speaking to all women, but especially my black women. Life isn't easy, we can all agree on that. And having someone to share life's burdens, it's joys and pains, someone to navigate it's sometimes rocky terrain, makes things a lot better. But ladies, know yourself first. Get yourself together. Before you look for a partner, before you even sleep with that man (or woman), take a moment to ask yourself if you're prepared for the consequences. Some of you disrespect yourselves because you don't know who you are, where you've come from, and have no direction on where you're going. As the saying goes, "if you knew better, you'd do better". Allow me to drop a few jewels... 

1. Said he's just a friend...

Anyone you're just "talkin" to, shouldn't be fuckin you. Point blank. If no type of parameters have been put in place or no ground rules set, then your private parts should remain private. If you're gonna give it up to guys you just casually know, that's what you'll be known for. Which leads me to my second point... 

2. Don't be a jump-off. 

Ahh, the ol' jump-off. Where do I begin? A jump-off, in most cases, is best translated as not good enough to be number one. She's the woman that's good for a night in a hotel. Maybe even a trip to the movies (to a far away theater of course. Nobody wants to be seen by people they know with a jump-off). He may say the right things, even make you feel loved, but trust me, at the end of the day, all you are to him is a piece of ass. Never met his friends or family? Ever see him without the pretense of sex? Ever been to his house during the day? No? Well, you're a jump. Don't be that chick. 

3. Don't be a booty call. 

Worse than a jump-off, is the booty call. At least a jump gets to go out with the guy. All a booty call gets is a sore pussy and a wet spot in her bed. Accepting calls and texts into the wee hours of the morning is setting yourself up for the role of the booty call. If a man (or again, a woman), isn't trying to see you or spend time with you during the day, why should you entertain them in the middle of the night? Obviously you're not worth their time, so why should they be worth yours? Now this doesn't pertain to those of you in relationships, and one of you calls the other to come over. That's spontaneous, and sexy as hell. But if he's someone that you barely ever hear from aside from booty call hours (and don't act like you don't know what booty call hours are), then you don't need to entertain that, no matter how good the sex may be. 

4. Birds of a feather... 

Take a look at your crowd. Who makes up the people you spend your time with? Who are your friends? Are they people that push you to do better? Do they encourage you to try new things? Are they people that have your best interest at heart? What do you admire most about them? Having ones back is an important quality to have in a friend, but it better not be the only quality they possess. Have some people in your circle that push you and challenge you. 

5. Know your self. Know your worth. 

My last piece of advice is probably my most prudent. Take time to learn yourself. You may be surprised at what you find. You don't have to change who you are to please anybody. Too often I see women trying to appease the man they're with, often losing themselves in the process. Don't ever lower yourself or devalue yourself in order to please the one you're with or the one you're trying to get. You're better than that. Every woman, whether you're 16 years old with kids and in the projects, or making 7 figures heading up a Fortune 500 company, and everyone in between, has the potential to be better. Knowing what you want, and devising a strategy to get it is the key. 

Tipping Point

A potentially innocent man, Troy Davis, was executed by the state of Georgia on Wednesday, September 21st, 2011. I say potentially, because though he was convicted of murdering a police officer in 1989, the evidence against him was so flimsy, it may as well had been presented on a house of cards. But this isn't about him. It also isn't about Oscar Grant, shot dead by a BART officer in Oakland, CA on New Years day, 2009. It also isn't about Sean Bell, who in Queens, NY, on November 25, 2006, was shot along with two other men, a total of fifty times by a team of both plainclothes and undercover NYPD officers. It's also not about James Craig Anderson, a Jackson, MS man, who was brutally murdered by a group of teens early on the morning of June 26th of this year. Instead this column is about the apathetic and myopic view of  minorities lives in relation to those of whites, in America. This isn't me trying to pit white versus black. That would be pointless in this day and age, because as soon as an issue is deemed to be black v. white, the default reaction is to close ones ears and say you've heard it all before. Well pardon me if this refrain sounds similar to you; it should. We've been dancing to this tune for centuries. It's the sound of the media and society itself telling us just how many fucks it doesn't give about minorities in this country. Of course strides have been made, and I'll never minimize the efforts of those that continuously fight for the betterment of disenfranchised peoples. But the facts are the facts. There will be talk of people at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder having their life devalued. And in the face of glaring statistical evidence and deaths like those of Sean Bell, Oscar Grant and now Troy Davis, it feels as if that talk is true. The lawmakers express confidence that the system works. They have to believe that. They have to make themselves believe it. So, of course, the politicians speak confidence. What else could they speak? Truth? Truth is too big, too dangerous, too damning. The truth is too pregnant with accusations for speaking. It's better to look away and profess your confidence. But not us. We don't have the luxury to ignore the injustices. It could very well be one of us as the victim of a broken system tomorrow. What needs to happen is change. We need to make our voices heard, and our presence felt. I know many of you took to Facebook and to Twitter to voice your opinion, and some of them may have actually been genuine. But to think that's going to affect the way things work is foolhardy at best. I've yet to see a death row sentence over turned from 140 characters, or from a Facebook status. What I'm asking of you is to educate yourself, and those around you. Sign the petitions. Find out who your representatives are, and contact them. Write letters and make phone calls. Put effort into being the change that you want to see. Let's at least try to make a difference, before the next victim of social injustice we hear about is you.